I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Don't Have a Clue

I did not sleep at all last night. I had taken an early-evening nap, but still, I shoulda slept. Thoughts kept me awake.

'Talked' to Dale last night on IM. Funny how he is still so disapproving, when it can't possibly matter anymore. And shouldn't matter to me at all. Old habits die hard. But die they shall!

Physical pain is my companion now, and a persistent one; much closer than any I've had in, oh, ever. I keep making appointments, canceling, rescheduling. When I am angry, I rebel, and oh, this makes me angry! So I am rebelling against this pain by trying to ignore it. Not working. I am ready to do so much...ready in my mind, but my body is not cooperating. There must be a reason for that, but I haven't figured it out. Probably fear, and maybe I just have to push past it. I'm not sure I know how to do that without a crutch of some kind. A man, or self-abuse, or depression, or wrapping myself up in someone else's needs; someone else's approval. Now the only one who has to approve of me is ME, and boy, is that scary. I've never approved of me.

How can I? How can I do something that will make me like me, when I don't have a clue what it is I might want to do?

don't have a clue
what to do
don't have you
to say what's true
about me.

Well, on that measly note, I'll end for now.