I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Beginnings, Endings, and More Waiting

Time to write. I've been reading Dean Koontz, Dark Rivers of the Heart. He always inspires me; makes me think on things I don't quite grasp. My reach exceeds my grasping, which is good. It hasn't always.

It's raining. The weather report said it would storm, but so far, just a boring rain. Too bad; I love storms. Maybe later. But hopefully not tomorrow afternoon, because I have to go see Doc. That'd be Dr. John Alexander Connell, my shrink of about 12 years.

What kind of nut sees a shrink once a week for 12 years? Not counting hospitalizations, when I'd see him every day. I'm rarely hospitalized anymore. Pretty much gave it up about 4 years ago. I did go in once last year, because of a new burn...I don't know why I did that; it sure doesn't help like it used to. Just frustrated and angry, looking for a relief that drugs don't give. I'm only on a small dose of antidepressants now, and the occasional valium. Maybe when Dale leaves, I can give up both of them.

Abby was upset yesterday, just about things in general, but mostly because Dale and Emily are both still here, which wasn't supposed to be the case. Dale's first check came, the girls' checks came, but so far Dale's big check hasn't come, and he can't leave until it does. He has to pay for Emily's dorm room with it, so he will stay until that happens. I understand Abby's extreme frustration...It seems like this will never be over. Even though I know it will happen, and things are truly much better now, we want our apartment to ourselves again, NOW.

Amazing thing: I paid all of my bills this month, including the pharmacy bill. I even paid some on the past due cable bill, with the hope that I can soon pay it off and get cable again; Abby and I aren't big on movies, but she likes her Nick, and sometimes I'd like to actually watch the news, such as it is, and not just read it on the Internet. I get my news, that's no problem, but I have so many sources that so many people don't seek out, and sometimes I'd like the perspective of what the average American is learning, if you can call it that, from television. I also very much miss The Daily Show and Jeopardy. Is Who Wants to Be a Millionaire even still on? They are nice distractions, like crossword puzzles and Scrabble.

Oh. I forgot where I was headed at the beginning of the previous paragraph. I paid all of my bills, bought groceries, and had money left over! Yes, I actually have a bit of a cushion this month. I can't begin to convey how that feels, after all this time. No gut-wrenching fear of how I will buy groceries, feed the cat, keep myself in (those damned) cigarettes. Hey, maybe I can even quit them again when my home and my mind find some peace again. That would be most excellent.

I'm slacking off big time from my political work. I saw my grandbabies and something changed. I don't feel driven right now to DO something, even though I never really accomplish much of anything. I feel more laid-back; more at peace inside. Holding little Owen against my chest, breathing in his sweet babyness, made me realize there is more to my life, really, than beating my head against a brick wall in hopes of changing one tiny thing in this world. I didn't realize how depressed I'd been, until my trip to Louisiana brought back so many memories of sweeter, happier times.

Seeing Rachel, pregnant out to there, no longer the scared little sixteen-year-old I met 7 years ago, seeing her adorable husband, the nursery she has decorated so beautifully, well, that was a wonder in itself. The child who had been lost to me is no longer a child, and even though I didn't get to be her mother, I will get to be a grandmother to her child. What a life it is; what a surprising life.

And oh, yeah, the ocean is still beautiful.

I got to experience the beginning of life...Rachel, so pregnant, and Owen, so new. And then seeing Mama Mildred (Mama Mil), 94 years old, in the hospital, touching her, reminiscing with her, kissing her cheek, her forehead, her hand, presenting to her the grown man who was her "Bookie", her great-grandson, my son, and now her great-great grandson, Owen. Feeling the love of a woman who was a GRANDmother to me, even though not my own, feeling that bond again, after all these years still unbroken and strong. She made me promise to come back, and I will, even if it is only to her grave.

Tracy and Steven are leaving for Chicago in early May. Once Dale leaves for Louisiana, it will be only me and the girls left here in Georgia. I don't how to feel about that. This has been our home for so long. Travis moved back to LA 6 years ago, Tyler Zada has been here and gone, here and gone, but it's still been me and Dale, Emily and Abby, Tracy and Steven. It will be hard to say goodbye to my Tracy.

But not hard to say goodbye to Dale! I asked him yesterday, "So, who's filing for divorce, you or me?" It's very strange to talk about it so casually, like,"Who's going to pick Abby up from school?" There was a time when I was terrified to even contemplate it. Now I can't wait for liberation day. Dale said he would do it. Maybe I'll send him flowers.

Peace, y'all.

I hope it storms when I go to bed.



Anonymous Mikey said...

Bout time you got back on this. Glad to see you writing again =)

April 18, 2005 at 3:00 AM  

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