I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Friday, September 24, 2004

So little time....

Not much time to write tonight. Not much time to write at all lately, because lately my late-night time is being taken up with calls from Alvin. So strange. He comes back into my life periodically, but never to stay. He's a fervent Jehovah's Witness and has been for years now, and we talk about that a lot. Intriguing, but then, I've always been intrigued by religion, and I listen. But me, a Jehovah's Witness? Ain't no way. Just another set of practices, another belief system that tells me I must do this or that or be condemned. Been there, done that, not looking anymore.

But we talk about other stuff, too. We've got a lot of uneasy history between us, and it is cathartic at times to discuss the whys and what-ifs. We've got my dead sister, and our dead baby, too, and he is really the only one who can understand what that's all about. So, I enjoy our talks.

I have no idea how or what Dale thinks or feels about it all. He knows Al well, and they were friends for a time, and he has no animosity towards him that I know of. I think we've gone well beyond jealousy in our 'relationship', too. Why be jealous when you know you're leaving? So, anyhow, that's the main reason I haven't been writing so much.

Abby came home Monday, and it's good to have her noisy self home. I missed her! She seems happier, although that may be the meds she's on. Doesn't matter, as long as she never again tells me she wished she would die. I wonder, if I'd known that depression was in part inherited, if I'd have had children at all? Probably. I certainly don't regret it, I just regret that they have to go through these things. It sucks for us all sometimes.

Emily called tonight, and Dale, Zada and I are planning to go see her Saturday. those 5-minute phone calls once a week are never enough. Sunday we are going to Tracy's for dinner and presents from India! I know one of mine is a sari, and I hope it fits and that I don't look ridiculous in it. Can't wait to see everyone else's presents, too.

I am in a fairly good space right now. (knock wood!)



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