I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Ramblin' on...

Hard day. I've wanted to smoke all day, and I have, but it seems my brain can't get enough. I've tried to sleep a lot today, just to stay away from cigarettes. It would probably help if I had some decent meds, but I don't. Oh well. If I fail again, I'll just be one less failure away from success. Or one failure closer? I know what I mean, anyway!

A lady from Cornerstone Counseling came today to talk to me and Dale. Actually, talked to Dale, mostly. I haven't the foggiest idea how family therapy can help a family when there's only one member who can say what's really on his mind. I can't, and neither can Abby. By the way, Abby told me tonight that it would be all right with her if we had no car again, if Dale was gone. She said she thought about it all day, and finally decided even a car wasn't worth having him around. That's a huge sacrifice for her to be willing to make. What I want to know is, why is it that the girls and I will be the only ones making the sacrifices? I know, I was supposed to get over wanting life to be fair a long time ago, but I guess I never will.

I haven't updated this in a while, except for that little bit last night. I did get to go see Emily on the 4th, and it was a good visit. We touched and hugged and played and laughed, and it felt good. One thing I've always been able to do is make my kids laugh, and I love to hear their laughter, especially when life sucks otherwise, as it does for Emily right now.

Tomorrow is a day for peace vigils. Many groups are planning vigils to commemorate the 'milestone' of over 1,000 Americans killed in Iraq. Sure wish I had a vigil to attend. Sure wish I had a group willing to hold a vigil, especially a spur-of-the-moment one like this. It just feels wrong to be sitting at home when I should be protesting, with body and voice, this stupid, f***ing war. I guess I'll be holding vigil in my heart. I still get the urge, often, to become the crazy woman on the Cleveland square. Well, hell, I become crazier every day, so why not do it for a purpose?

Ramblin' on.......



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