I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

My Photo
Location: Georgia, United States

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Curiouser and curiouser

Hm. Life takes some weird turns sometimes. Since I got home from the hospital, I've been getting late-night phone calls from -- how to describe him? -- an old boyfriend. That's not the whole of it. He was no casual date. He was the guy I was supposed to marry, actually, and a huge part of my life; a part of making me who I am. It's very odd that he should seek me out once again, now. It makes me wonder about what the future might hold. I know, I know, this a dangerous time for me to be enjoying conversations with any man, and this one in particular, but as I told him tonight, it feels good right now, and I don't want to end. Not yet.

Things with Dale just get worse and worse. He's like a stranger to me, and as cold as ice. I get strange vibes from him, and my gut tells me that something is coming that I'm not going to like at all. I almost kicked him out today.....oh, I came so damn close. And I made a promise to myself months ago that if we had no word on the disability hearing by the end of September, I would make him go. The end of September was/is my deadline. And still no word on the disability, except that he's been told his case is now before a judge for review, but that can take up to three months. It could be into next year sometime before this is resolved. I simply won't last that long.

But how will I last if he goes? I'll be without a car once again, and that was so hard that I don't see how I can face it again. I just keep thinking of Dr. Connell's long-ago statement: "No, you don't know what is right. But you do know what is wrong." Yes, I do, and no matter what I do, it means hardship and pain, for me, and for the girls. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. That's where these desperate depressions are coming from, and I simply feel paralyzed.

Oh, you should see the river tonight. It's so close to coming out of its banks, so huge and scary-looking. Fascinating, too, to see the wildness of it. And the rain just does not stop. It's beautiful, really.



Post a Comment

<< Home