I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

My Photo
Location: Georgia, United States

Friday, September 24, 2004

So little time....

Not much time to write tonight. Not much time to write at all lately, because lately my late-night time is being taken up with calls from Alvin. So strange. He comes back into my life periodically, but never to stay. He's a fervent Jehovah's Witness and has been for years now, and we talk about that a lot. Intriguing, but then, I've always been intrigued by religion, and I listen. But me, a Jehovah's Witness? Ain't no way. Just another set of practices, another belief system that tells me I must do this or that or be condemned. Been there, done that, not looking anymore.

But we talk about other stuff, too. We've got a lot of uneasy history between us, and it is cathartic at times to discuss the whys and what-ifs. We've got my dead sister, and our dead baby, too, and he is really the only one who can understand what that's all about. So, I enjoy our talks.

I have no idea how or what Dale thinks or feels about it all. He knows Al well, and they were friends for a time, and he has no animosity towards him that I know of. I think we've gone well beyond jealousy in our 'relationship', too. Why be jealous when you know you're leaving? So, anyhow, that's the main reason I haven't been writing so much.

Abby came home Monday, and it's good to have her noisy self home. I missed her! She seems happier, although that may be the meds she's on. Doesn't matter, as long as she never again tells me she wished she would die. I wonder, if I'd known that depression was in part inherited, if I'd have had children at all? Probably. I certainly don't regret it, I just regret that they have to go through these things. It sucks for us all sometimes.

Emily called tonight, and Dale, Zada and I are planning to go see her Saturday. those 5-minute phone calls once a week are never enough. Sunday we are going to Tracy's for dinner and presents from India! I know one of mine is a sari, and I hope it fits and that I don't look ridiculous in it. Can't wait to see everyone else's presents, too.

I am in a fairly good space right now. (knock wood!)


Monday, September 13, 2004

Abby Gone

Abby is in the hospital. She got grounded and came unglued, and asked me to take her "somewhere, anywhere, just away from here." She also said that she wished every night that she wouldn't wake up in the morning. I told her to tell me what she wanted me to do, and she just kept saying she didn't care, but to do something. I asked her if she felt she needed to go to the hospital, and she just kept saying, "I don't care." So, the last of the Farrars has succumbed. I took her to Northeast Georgia Medical Center, and from there she was taken to
Riverwood. I talked to her this evening and asked her if she'd like me to try and get her sent back here to Laurelwood, and she said no, she thinks Riverwood is nicer and she likes it. Now I've got to figure out how to get down there and take her the rest of the stuff she needs. It's mid-month, and that means the money is all gone. I'm going to ask at her church if they can help us with gas money so we can go see her. She doesn't want Dale to come, but I really don't like the idea of driving through Atlanta alone. I am so very tired of it all.

Dale says he talked to his attorney today and was told that now that his case was before a judge it would be "20-30 days" before we'd know of the court date. 20-30 days goes beyond my self-imposed deadline, and that puts me in a quandary. What if it is not 20-30 days, but 40-50? 60? 3 months? Can I really manage another month, even? Should I? Oh, I know what my advisers would say, but what do they know of my life? What do they know of not having enough money for gas to go visit my girls? Of not having a working washer or vacuum cleaner? Of not having enough money for food to last each month?

Saturday was such a good day. Deitra came to visit, with her Jack Russell, Sadie. She's looking for a playmate for Sadie, so we went to the animal shelter, and I found out that Sabbath had been adopted. Then we went to the co-op and stayed and talked to Vicki for a while. Deitra has some new photos she brought, and they are beautiful. I hope she sells them all. Then to La Cabana for lunch, Deitra's treat. Then I had to come home and get ready to go to the PCG meeting at Laura's. It was so good to see everyone! Dinner was scrumptious, and we watched a film, 'Guns and Greed' about the School of the Americas. Very unpleasant film, but necessary information. I read an article from Peaceful Tomorrows commemorating this third anniversary of 9/11, and a poem. It was sort of strange to do something as a part of the group, but felt good, too. The only bad thing was that Lorraine was there, which apparently no one had been expecting, and lots of old feelings bubbled up, but I didn't let it bother me much. Everyone was talking about what they were doing for the Kerry campaign, and I wish I could be involved in that, at least a little.

But today was hard. There are no kids in the house! I slept a lot, again trying not to let having no smokes get to me. Now it's late and I'm awake, thinking of how in the world I can get to Riverwood to see Abby. I have to go to the school, too, and get her work. I could do it, if Dale and I didn't both have appointments at the pain clinic in Habersham Wednesday, but I don't think it would be wise to miss that. I already had to reschedule my app't with the opthamologist that was supposed to be today, and I also have an app't with Dr. C on Thursday, and it's too late now to call Logisticare for a ride.

Guess I'll go see if I can beat the crap out of the computer at Scrabble.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

Ramblin' on...

Hard day. I've wanted to smoke all day, and I have, but it seems my brain can't get enough. I've tried to sleep a lot today, just to stay away from cigarettes. It would probably help if I had some decent meds, but I don't. Oh well. If I fail again, I'll just be one less failure away from success. Or one failure closer? I know what I mean, anyway!

A lady from Cornerstone Counseling came today to talk to me and Dale. Actually, talked to Dale, mostly. I haven't the foggiest idea how family therapy can help a family when there's only one member who can say what's really on his mind. I can't, and neither can Abby. By the way, Abby told me tonight that it would be all right with her if we had no car again, if Dale was gone. She said she thought about it all day, and finally decided even a car wasn't worth having him around. That's a huge sacrifice for her to be willing to make. What I want to know is, why is it that the girls and I will be the only ones making the sacrifices? I know, I was supposed to get over wanting life to be fair a long time ago, but I guess I never will.

I haven't updated this in a while, except for that little bit last night. I did get to go see Emily on the 4th, and it was a good visit. We touched and hugged and played and laughed, and it felt good. One thing I've always been able to do is make my kids laugh, and I love to hear their laughter, especially when life sucks otherwise, as it does for Emily right now.

Tomorrow is a day for peace vigils. Many groups are planning vigils to commemorate the 'milestone' of over 1,000 Americans killed in Iraq. Sure wish I had a vigil to attend. Sure wish I had a group willing to hold a vigil, especially a spur-of-the-moment one like this. It just feels wrong to be sitting at home when I should be protesting, with body and voice, this stupid, f***ing war. I guess I'll be holding vigil in my heart. I still get the urge, often, to become the crazy woman on the Cleveland square. Well, hell, I become crazier every day, so why not do it for a purpose?

Ramblin' on.......


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Curiouser and curiouser

Hm. Life takes some weird turns sometimes. Since I got home from the hospital, I've been getting late-night phone calls from -- how to describe him? -- an old boyfriend. That's not the whole of it. He was no casual date. He was the guy I was supposed to marry, actually, and a huge part of my life; a part of making me who I am. It's very odd that he should seek me out once again, now. It makes me wonder about what the future might hold. I know, I know, this a dangerous time for me to be enjoying conversations with any man, and this one in particular, but as I told him tonight, it feels good right now, and I don't want to end. Not yet.

Things with Dale just get worse and worse. He's like a stranger to me, and as cold as ice. I get strange vibes from him, and my gut tells me that something is coming that I'm not going to like at all. I almost kicked him out today.....oh, I came so damn close. And I made a promise to myself months ago that if we had no word on the disability hearing by the end of September, I would make him go. The end of September was/is my deadline. And still no word on the disability, except that he's been told his case is now before a judge for review, but that can take up to three months. It could be into next year sometime before this is resolved. I simply won't last that long.

But how will I last if he goes? I'll be without a car once again, and that was so hard that I don't see how I can face it again. I just keep thinking of Dr. Connell's long-ago statement: "No, you don't know what is right. But you do know what is wrong." Yes, I do, and no matter what I do, it means hardship and pain, for me, and for the girls. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. That's where these desperate depressions are coming from, and I simply feel paralyzed.

Oh, you should see the river tonight. It's so close to coming out of its banks, so huge and scary-looking. Fascinating, too, to see the wildness of it. And the rain just does not stop. It's beautiful, really.