I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Thursday, August 19, 2004

My fault

Emily called this morning, almost hysterical. She has been transferred to Macon YDC. Macon! I have no way to visit here there, and she can't even call me for another week. What have I done??? This is not what I was told was going to happen. This is not what the judge ordered. This is NOT, NOT, NOT in Emily's best interests, and NOT what I wanted for her. This is ripping out my heart, my guts, my soul. (See 'Drama Queen', below)

I called Emily's probation officer, who gave me a royal runaround, as usual. Well, really not as usual. Usually I can't get in touch with her at all. I asked her why Emily had been moved, and she said that RYDC is a holding facility, and could only keep her a short time. Yeah, well, why didn't SHE call me and tell me Em was being taken to Macon? I told her that SHE had assured us that Em would be in RYDC "probably less than a week", and she said that wasn't so. Oh, yes it is. We know what we heard. She said that if she couldn't get Emily into three Springs, Emily would have to serve out her 90 days of 'STP' in Macon. I told her that I was told that the judge had ordered Emily into a short-term program, and that she had said that she DID NOT want Emily in RYDC for any longer than it took to get her into the STP. But Sharon, the probation officer, said that there was never any guarantee that Emily could get into the STP, and certainly no guarantee that she could get into OTP; that it was something the judge could not order, only suggest. Oh. I didn't know judges made "suggestions." Sharon treated me so coldly. I kept asking for clarification of things I don't understand, and she just got snotty with me.

Emily is not a criminal, dammit, she is a sweet girl with problems. I've been asking for help since almost the day she was born, and I was finally told that this was the only way. I still believe that OTP would be good for her, or would have been, but this is nothing but trauma upon trauma for her, and I'd sure like to know how this is helping. Well, I know it's not. If she is made to serve 90 days in prison....and what is being locked up behind razor wire besides prison?.....the girl we will get back will not be a girl who was 'helped', but a girl who was traumatized, and angry girl, a resentful girl, and how in god's name will I ever make it up to her? This is Emily's defining moment. I'm afraid in the end the definition of Emily will be forever changed.

And yeah, I'm feeling guilty as hell. She will hate me, maybe. What have I done, what have I done, what have I done??? And Dale will forever be able to sit back and say, "your mother did this."

Out of smokes today. Stayed in bed all day, didn't eat, didn't drink, took no meds. Dale came up once and said "You're not taking care of yourself. You should eat. You didn't take your meds." I said I didn't care. He left. This from a guy who'd get so drunk he'd hold his head out the window like a dog to puke on the way home from any social engagement. I'd always put him to bed, never complained. You know when he quit drinking? When I finally let him stay passed out on the bathroom floor, because I was too tired to help him. This, from a guy who's always, always had his weed, and his cigarettes, too, until the heart attack. Maybe three days on morphine would help me, too. Maybe I'm headed there, who knows? This from a guy who less than two weeks ago was in bed sick, and his wife took him soup, brought him medicine, kept his tea glass filled and made sure he drank it. But how do you do less for a human being, especially one you once said you loved "until death us do part"?

No amount of money should be worth this. But it is. I cannot take care of my girls and myself without it. Fault me for it if you will, but it's a fact. I can't.

I want my Emily home! Why is this happening? Why am I so stupid? Why didn't I know this would happen? I just want to take her to bed with me and hold her, hold her, hold her and never let her go.



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