I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Monday, August 02, 2004

Drum circle

Some good things happened last night. I went to a drum circle at Julianne's, which is of course always an uplifting and comforting experience. Met some new friends, and took Emily with me for the first time. At the end, when she was getting sleepy, she put her arm around me and rested her head on my shoulder. I thoroughly enjoyed that! Of course, she's mad at me today, but it doesn't diminish the bit of re-bonding that happened last night.

The other very positive happened during a guided imagery that Julianne facilitated for us. It was a walk on a beach, and I settled into it like putting my head on a fluffy down pillow. It took me no time at all to feel the warm sand, hear the gulls and the gently lapping waves. I was listening to Julianne; heard every word she said, but my inner guide was taking me on a slightly different path. As I listened to Julianne's voice, I also began to hear the waves whispering to me. As a wave washed into shore, it said, "Decide now." It's what I've been struggling with lately -- the need to make a quick decision about everything. "Decide now. Decide now." It was definitely taking some of the enjoyment out of my solitary musing in the sand. Then I heard another faint voice, as the waves were pulled back out into the ocean: "You don't have to." It became first the louder whisper of the incoming wave, then the gentler voice of the outgoing undertow. And then it changed.


"You don't have to"

"Decide Now"

"You don't have to"

"Decide now"

"You don't have to" "Decide now" "You don't have to" "Decide now"

"You don't have to" "decide now"

"You don't have to decide now"

And I realized that it's true. I don't have to decide now. I can wait. Wait until the court date. Wait and see if Dale's social security disability claim is approved. Wait and see how he acts when he finally knows the money will soon be in his hand. Wait and see if he continues to control his anger, as he's been doing lately. Just relax for a while, and wait.

There is no way to make a reasonable decision when I'm all churned up inside, and other people are telling me what to do. I have to do what is right for me, and for my girls, and the choice of shoving Dale out the door right now and leaving us with nothing again, nothing at all to show for my patience, turmoil and stoicism is not necessarily the right one. It is entirely possible that waiting for another month or so to see what will happen with the disability claim is the best course of action. I don't have to decide now. I can rest from it for a while, and conjure up the image of the warm, peaceful beach and the wisdom of the waves, and decide when the time feels very right to decide, and my head isn't cluttered with other people's (and my own) chattering voices.

So, that's where I am today. One never knows what tomorrow will bring. For now,



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