I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Tuesday, July 13, 2004


The check from the oil company came today. Now we just have to figure out a way to get it cashed, and we will have a car. Or rather, Dale will have a car I get to use, as always. It's never bothered me before, but it does now. Oh well. I tried.

I asked him if we could buy a car in both of our names, but he said that it would be "too complex" to do. Oh. Yes, the little lady just doesn't understand the complexities of car-buying. He gave me that funny "don't you trust me?" look and tone of voice. I asked about insurance, too, and he assured me that it wouldn't be less expensive if the car was in my name only. Why wouldn't it be? I have a perfect driving record.

"Anyway," he said, "when I get my settlement, you'll be able to pick out your own car. Won't you like that?" Sure I will. When will that f***ing court date ever come, I want to know??? I am so afraid he will abscond with car, settlement, everything.

Dale went with our neighbor, Kimberly, to Cleveland today to see if he could get the check cashed. I asked if I could go, and he said Kimberly was not feeling well, blah, blah, blah. In effect, NO. He spends lots of time with Kimberly. She's in her thirties and a little smaller than I am, but not much. She's really pretty, though. I wonder, but I don't much care.

Emily came to me today and said the same thing Abby's been saying for months -- she wants him gone. She had planned to move in with him wherever he moved to, but after spending these past months with him, she has definitely changed her mind.

Poor Emily. Her boss called today and told her she was fired. He said it was because she was too shy with customers. Hmm. Wouldn't it have been better to have sat her down and talked to her about this and given her a chance to try and do better? I think firing someone over the phone is pretty sleazy. She was so happy there. She came home happy every day, which, believe me, was brand-new for my Emily. And she loved the work, and her boss. She doesn't seem terribly torn up about it, but Emily is like that. You just never know how anything will affect her. I don't know if she's really very upset or not, and she doesn't seem to want to talk about it, at least not right now. It's worrisome. It took so much effort to get her to go out and look for a job, and I have no idea how she'll react when I tell her she's got to do it again. Dammit! I'm just angry at everything tonight.



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