I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Wednesday, July 07, 2004


Abby called me tonight from church camp. She's been gone since Sunday and comes home Friday. Before I got to say more than hello, she asked, "Are you okay?" I assured her that I was, but she asked for reassurance twice before I got a chance to ask how she was. She said she hadn't wanted to leave me. I told her I was just so glad she was able to go and have a vacation from all this. We had a good talk after that, and she's having a wonderful time. At one point her counselor (Abby herself is counselor to little kids this year) got on the line and told me she had "just fallen in love" with Abby. Well of course. It's very easy to do with that kid. I'll be glad to see her again, but I wish she could have another week away. But her 15th birthday is next week. I just hope it goes well. Last year her sisters didn't even come, and it was quite horrible. Zada leaves for India on that day, but hopefully at least Tracy will come. I'll guilt her into it if I have to!

Okay, the DFACS thing. After Abby called me at the hospital and told me her dad had hit her, I told my therapist and my doctor, so of course it was reported to DFACS, as I knew it would be. The next day I talked to Dale, and he told me someone had come to the house to investigate, "thank you very much." I told him I had been very upset by Abby's call, and told my therapist, not remembering that the law required it be reported. But he pretty much laughed it off, especially in telling me about when they asked Abby, in front of Dale, if she was afraid of him. She was getting ready to go to church, and simply told them she didn't want to talk to them, and left. Why did they do that? Is that standard procedure? If so, it's pretty damn dumb. Anyway, I was told by my therapist that DFACS would want to talk to me, and Emily too, who wasn't home at the time, but so far I haven't heard anything at all from them.

Dale says he told them "the whole story", whatever that means, and told them that if they really wanted to help this family, they'd help him get his disability, as if they could. Truly, it was just a joke to him. And maybe it is, and no follow-up will be done. But I can at least be grateful that now DFACS has a report on at least one occasion of abuse here.

I talked to someone named Nellie with Hope House yesterday, and she sent me an email later saying that they will definitely be helping me with divorce proceedings. I am so grateful. She said she will get back to me as soon as she has more news from the attorney. I sure wish I had some way to communicate with them besides my furtive phone calls whenever Dale is out of the house, and email.

We will be getting a vehicle soon. Dale signed papers that came in the mail today, selling the oil-lease rights to his last bit of land, 2.5 acres, in Texas. Sure wish he'd thought of that sooner. We have gotten the very occasional, very small check from that over the years, and what we're getting isn't much -- $1,375 -- but it will be enough to buy some sort of used car, and that is the current desperate need. My puzzle right now is trying to figure out how to get that car put in my name, which I don't know how to do. I have never had a car in my name, except my GEO, which I bought two years ago and sold last year because we needed the money more than the extra car. I still miss it. I just don't see him letting me do this. I think he's suspicious enough already. He acts really funny around me sometimes, like a man having an affair (not that I was ever good at spotting THAT!), but I hardly think that's it. Just......suspicious. Scares me. I'm gonna try, anyway. I think that since the wreck, insurance may cost more for him, so I'll try that angle. If it doesn't work, well, I'll just have to hope I can get it in the divorce settlement.

God, how I hate lying, conniving and being sneaky. And truth be told, I hate hurting him. He is a human being, after all. But most of all, I hate seeing the kids hurt, and I'm pretty darn sick of it myself. If this is what it takes, then it is. I just wish there was another way. It's hard on my soul.



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