I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Monday, July 05, 2004


I got home from the hospital Thursday night. Eight days isn't enough time to change much, but it helped. Laurelwood is a good hospital; one of the best unless you're super-rich, I guess. I'm so fortunate to have been led to it so many years ago, and so very, very fortunate that Bert was such a good friend and took me there. Not that he gave me much choice, but I really didn't want one. I just wanted someone to care enough, and Bert did. Dale knew I was suicidal, and it mattered naught to him. That bites.

It's been okay since I got home, and there have been a few highlights. One is that Emily got a job at the glass-blowing shop, making much more money, and having much more fun than if she'd found a job at some fast-food joint. She's exhausted from these past few days....it's the busiest time of the year here, and she's working hard. I'm proud of her, more than she can know.

We went to the local pizza place two nights ago. Abby had been looking forward to listening to the music; there's a guy that plays guitar and sings on the weekends. But as we went to sit down at a table on that part of the deck, Dale said no. One of our neighbors was there with her family, and as he's feuding with her, he refused to sit at a table near her. The girls were upset, and so was I. Dale was just angry. As soon as he finished eating, he left, and we took our food and went and sat with the neighbors. The musician, I don't know his name, always asks if anyone wants to sing, and he'll play the guitar and give the mike to any takers. We all tried to talk Emily into getting up and singing. She has a beautiful voice. She chose a Metallica song, and even though it didn't exactly show off that beautiful voice, she really got into it, wowed the crowd and even got cries of "Encore! Encore!"

Then Abby decided to sing "Imagine", but she was shy once she took the mike, and we couldn't hear her, so I got up and finished the song with her. We had a wonderful time, the best in ages and ages. A night that started badly and ended oh so well, and a memory I'll cherish.

The latest highlight was tonight, when Zada, Tracy and Steven came up from Gainesville to watch the fireworks with us. We found a spot directly across the river from the pyrotechnic guys, and the fireworks were exploding right over our heads. Helen puts on a great show for such a small town, and tonight's was the best ever. It was so much fun to hear the little kids squealing with pure delight. I never, ever get tired of fireworks; I'm a kid myself when it comes to that, just like Christmas. I especially like the ones that are so loud you feel them as well as see them. It could go on for hours and still be over too soon for me. Everyone was in a good mood. Zada is leaving for India on the 15th, so this is the last time I'll see her for months.

DFACS is now involved in our family drama. Abby called me one night last week while I was in the hospital, sobbing her heart out because Dale had hit her twice. Of course I told my therapist and my doctor, and they notified DFACS. More on that later. On Tuesday, I have to get in touch with the lady from the shelter and see if I can get things speeded up on the divorce and restraining order. I am so ready now to have this done. But I have to do it right. More on that later, too.

This is something my good friend Tomas sent me a while back. Seems fitting to me tonight.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


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