I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Sunday, June 06, 2004


I got a call from the police station early this morning, to go get the paperwork done to have Emily's information put into the computer as a runaway. I had only been asleep a few hours, so that was unpleasant. I also had a 'complaint' made against her, so she would be back in the court system as an 'unruly child' when she did get home. I feel like a real meanie doing that, but darn it, this must stop.

Emily did come home, on her own, at about 11:30. She looked a bit bedraggled, and she said she was sorry. "For what?", I asked.
"For going to "Ali's." "You weren't at Ali's", I said. She didn't have much more to say, and I didn't ask any questions. If she wants to talk, I'll listen, but for now, I don't even want to know. I haven't told her I made a complaint against her. I'm afraid to; afraid she really will run away.

I'm very worried about tomorrow. I'm going to call City Hall and ask if they'll give me just a couple of more days to get the water bill paid, but they can be such hard-asses sometimes. I wonder if their lives have always been so easy.

I wonder about lots of things. I know I put myself into this situation again -- with Dale, that is, not City Hall or Emily -- but I don't know how I could have lived with myself if I'd just let him be homeless after he had the accident. Besides, we were getting along fine at the time, which of course we always do when we're not living together. Things were okay financially, too, which of course was because he was working and contributing to the grocery bill, etc. Only right, of course, since I am the mother of his kids. And even after the accident, it was okay, because we had some stuff to sell, like my car, the stereo, etc, so we had a bit of extra income for a while. Then we ran out of things to sell, and it started getting bad. I'm a fantastic penny-pincher, but even I don't know how to make a penny scream that hard. I never believed the government would take his disability case right down to the wire, the two-year deadline they give themselves to give a person a court date.

Well, July will be two years, so hopefully this will be resolved soon. Thing is, when you're living on SSI, TANF and food stamps, if you get a windfall like a big back-pay check, they expect you to live on it, and they cancel all of your benefits until the back pay is all gone. No sense letting you use that money to get a bit ahead! So no matter what, Dale has to leave as soon as he gets his money, so that the girls and I don't lose all of our benefits.

Damn me for ever getting sick.



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