I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Wednesday, June 02, 2004


What a day! Dale went to the hospital today. He had a big blowup with the girls this morning. One part of it was that he kept laughing at them, in that snide way of his, and they asked him to stop and he wouldn't. He called Emily a "bitch." Then this afternoon, he had another argument with the neighbors. He was so angry!

Finally I asked him to go to the store with me, and we sat outside and talked. I wanted to talk in a public place. I told him he needed to get help, and that he needed to talk to someone at Laurelwood, the mental health facility attached to the medical center in Gainesville. I told him that if he didn't call and talk to someone, I'd do it for him. It was scary, but I just couldn't bear to have him here one more day.

When we got home, he went to the bedroom to make the call. I don't know what he said to the intake worker, but it was only a few minutes into the call that a cop showed up and banged on our door. I wasn't expecting that, and the girls knew nothing, so we were all a bit surprised, and they kept asking, "what's going on?" They were scared, dammit. Anyway, I got it pretty quickly that someone at L'wood had called the cops. Then two more showed up, and Dale came out of the bedroom and hung up the phone. He was crying and shaking. He told the cops he felt "suicidal and homicidal." I don't know if he meant he wanted to kill one of us or one of the neighbors, and I didn't ask. I did feel bad for him, but mostly I felt, and feel, tremendous relief. The cops called an ambulance and they took Dale away. I don't know if he actually was admitted to L'wood, because he didn't call, but I assume so.

I know this isn't a solution, and that he'll most likely be back in a few days, but the peace and quiet is very nice for now. I feel calm inside for the first time in months. The girls and I talked a lot, and they expressed no sadness for their Dad, only relief. That makes me sad, but there it is. What an awful situation we are in!

Emily went to church tonight, and Abby went to town with a friend. I think Morgan is sweet on her, even knowing she is gay, but she says he's a nuisance. I'm glad she went, though.

Why am I afraid of Dale? It is true, as he says, that he's never hit me. I have hit him, twice. The first time was when he admitted to the affair with Kathy; I punched him in the nose. It wasn't a thought, just an action. He doesn't hold that one against me. The second time was a few months ago; I just pummeled him with my fists. He says I hurt him, and maybe I did. I hate knowing that I am capable of violence. Is everyone, if pushed too hard? I'm pretty sure I could kill in self-defense. But premeditated murder? No, I know in my soul I am incapable of that. The thing is, I know that Dale is. I have heard him say so, and I have seen it in his eyes. He gets mad when I tell him that he frightens me, but I am frightened anyway. Jo (the counselor from the women's shelter) says I should trust my gut on that, but it's very hard. I know that Dale is capable of evil, and he would say the same, but that evil? I just don't know. What I do know is that his anger is way out of control, and constant.

This is long enough, too long, for one day.



Blogger Allison said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

June 3, 2004 at 7:03 AM  
Blogger Allison said...

Moving on...
First, let me express how much you have already impressed me with your strength. Through all of the difficulties you have been experiencing, you still possess quite a spark within! As you cradle and fan that spark, use your anger as fuel. Of course it can be too easy to let your frustrations and resentment build, but focusing the negative energy towards the positive will help you to move on. Anger is just a stage in the grieving process, and grief is something you are undoubtly experiencing. Feeling the loss of yourself and your passions is the most difficult for the type of person you seem to be. This is your chance to move, and I am sure you feel it.
Not too long ago I was living with those same emotions. Different circumstances, but stifiling none the less. I had the opportunity to meet and learn from an amazing Native woman named Songwayway who helped me heal through her wisdom. On one particularly difficult day I came to work to find a card with no name or signature. I am sure that she sent it because it was marked with a turtle (she was turtle clan). This is what was written inside:

Sometimes, the Creator,
Gets impatient, or maybe,
It's just that we may have strayed
From our path, or maybe,
We have not learned this
One hard lesson-
"To walk away & not look back"

It is then, that the Creator
Gently burns out bridges.
Maybe, we are not ready
But it is out of our hands.

Enjoy your future,
Your way has been cleared.
You are now free to go!

Give Thanks.

As always, if we can help in any way, let us know. We will be there to support you in any decision you make, so use us. It's why we are here.

June 3, 2004 at 7:16 AM  

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