I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, that he may hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalm 77:1-2) ............................................ A journal chronicling my struggle as a woman, to find my way out of an abusive relationship, and to find myself again.

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Location: Georgia, United States

Friday, May 28, 2004


Some eyes were opened tonight. Well, mine were opened a bit wider, anyway.

Tracy called to say that she had her cat back. Dale answered the phone, and I told him a few times that I wanted to talk to her. He has a habit of intruding on my phone calls -- that is, he interjects comments when I am trying to listen, or tells me to tell the caller something. It's annoying, and I've asked him many, many times not to do it. But when he is on the phone, he gets angry if someone interrupts him, and/or holds up a hand to say "stop." He has actually asked a caller to hold while he cussed the person who interrupted.

Well, after he was finished talking to Tracy, he broke the connection. I was ticked that he had ignored me, and I said so. I didn't yell, didn't cuss and didn't get emotional. The girls did raise their voices, though, to reprove him for not paying attention to me. Well! He started yelling then.

There is a thing Dale does: When I get "upset" about something, even if I express it quietly, he starts to yell at me to "calm down." If you had missed what went before, it would seem that I had gotten very emotional or loud or rude, and that he is rightfully chastising me. It's a tactic that had effectively shut me up for years. Most times, I even apologized!

I don't buy into it much anymore, but sometimes I do slip. Tonight was not one of those times. I asked him why he was yelling at me, and of course that just made him angrier. As he was walking away, he said, "I was just trying to apologize!" Um, no he wasn't. Even the girls' mouths kinda hung open at that.

Then he went outside, maybe to cool off. I'd like to think he thought about what he had done, but I doubt that's what happened. When he came back in about 10 minutes later, neither of us said anything. The girls talked while he was gone, though, and for some reason this is the first time they have ever told me they understood what had just happened; that he was trying to cover his mistake by yelling at me for being "upset."

Okay. Tracy's cat, Natas, disappeared over a week ago, a few days after they moved into a new house about 15 (?) blocks from where they had previously lived. We all assumed he had gone exploring and gotten lost. Tracy and Zada have knocked on doors, hung flyers in both neighborhoods, checked often with the animal shelter, and Tracy, especially, cried a lot. Today they were called by a former neighbor who told them he had seen Natas at the old house. Sure enough, when Steven, Tracy's husband went there, he found Natas in the backyard, much thinner but otherwise okay. Apparently he had decided to go home and wait for everyone else to just come on back! How the heck do animals do that?? What a happy ending, and what an amazing cat! Tracy will sleep well tonight, and I imagine Natas won't be let out again anytime soon!



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November 5, 2005 at 4:45 AM  

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